Norah wanted to see the color of fear. So there it is. Green. With some red.
I am terribly afraid of doctors. I would be the happiest if I never ever saw them in my life. Imagine my 'joy' when my breast started hurting... Not the normal PMS tenderness, a big bad ouch kind of pain. To add to it I had a weird feeling in my left arm. Many horrible theories danced in my head. I went into a deep, dark place and didn't want to think or talk about it. Or do something about it. So I was sitting at my desk, trying to force myself to paint something. Nothing would come to mind. I was not in a mood to create. All I wanted was for the pain to go away. I looked at the crisp white paper and the question - what is the color of fear just came up. I picked up the green.... and in a matter of few minutes the page was done.
You see the butterfly? It took away the pain. My dh helped my problems disappear. It turned out it was my back.... Yes, the tension from the neck and upper back traveled all the way down my left arm, up to the little finger. Days and days of massage and exercise, sitting up straight at the computer cured it. The pain is gone, but the fear is still here. I really should get over being afraid of doctors....
I am terribly afraid of doctors. I would be the happiest if I never ever saw them in my life. Imagine my 'joy' when my breast started hurting... Not the normal PMS tenderness, a big bad ouch kind of pain. To add to it I had a weird feeling in my left arm. Many horrible theories danced in my head. I went into a deep, dark place and didn't want to think or talk about it. Or do something about it. So I was sitting at my desk, trying to force myself to paint something. Nothing would come to mind. I was not in a mood to create. All I wanted was for the pain to go away. I looked at the crisp white paper and the question - what is the color of fear just came up. I picked up the green.... and in a matter of few minutes the page was done.
You see the butterfly? It took away the pain. My dh helped my problems disappear. It turned out it was my back.... Yes, the tension from the neck and upper back traveled all the way down my left arm, up to the little finger. Days and days of massage and exercise, sitting up straight at the computer cured it. The pain is gone, but the fear is still here. I really should get over being afraid of doctors....
Don't be afraid. They are mostly good people that want to help you. If it weren't for the wonderful doctors at Walter Reed hospital, I would not be here today. I have encountered some undesirable doctors and was abused by an eye doctor but you fire them and find one that works for you. I think you are afraid of results....what the doctor may tell you and not the actual doctor.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that NO-ONE likes going to the doctor! And I have five doctors to see on a regular basis. I hope this helps you in some way.
And it's better to go and find out what is wrong instead of worrying and causing yourself stress, because it may be nothing.
xo suze
You poor thing Zorana, harbouring this fear. I am so glad you shared with us and that your worry turned out be much less "dark" than you imagined.
ReplyDeleteIsnt journalling a great way to express our emotions. Your fear page is very moving and strong.
I was listening to a song yesterday which said "my soul is a caterpillar" which your page reminds me of.... the caterpillar emerging into the beautiful butterfly. I thought it was a very profound statement.
OK my dear sweet California rooted friend. I am just always amazed with your journal pages, as I have told you before. Today, I am going to be thinking about where I put these emotions because I have never been so brave to put them on paper. I guess, most of all, I will be thinking about the color of emotions. You have discovered the color of fear. Today, you might show us the color of happy. I know it's shape......
ReplyDeletexo
You should have your journal published...I know it would help many people. Your are amazing...you face your emotions with art and grace.
ReplyDeleteYour words and beautiful art is so inspiring to all of us with so much of the same fears as you. We can all get through this together. So glad we all have each other! You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAlana
I have ben reading your blog for awhile now, but have never left comment. I just had to tell you that I understand your dread of doctors and share the same fear. To many people it may seem irrational, and perhaps it is, but we feel what we feel, regardless if it is rational or not.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog, and your art work is amazing. So glad you are feeling better!
Hello Zorana,
ReplyDeleteI am glad to see you are expressing your fears in your art as this will clear your body to heal more quickly...and you do it so well....that tear in the eye, , those arms, such vulnerabilty is beautiful to see...
xxxx
I am not crazy about doctors either. Personally I don't fear them but I also don't think they do much anymore except push pills! I'm glad your problem was just stress and could be fixed with a good massage. The page you did is fantastic! You really put yourself into it.
ReplyDeleteI have this same fear but of dentists!!! The mere thought of going to one makes me get this strange taste in my mouth and I get completely unraveled. Unfortunately this fear makes me not go as I should so I worry about tooth health....so now my fear turns to anxiety and well........I get what you're saying!
ReplyDeleteXOXO
i have the same fear and it runs very deep. it has led me to many natural health practioners and this i am grateful for. :)
ReplyDeleteglad to see you are back!
hugs,